Last year, Romanian Alexandra Stan unexpectedly set the international charts on fire with Eurotrashy treasure “Mr.Saxobeat,” the catchiest thing to hit Europe since the Black Plague.
After a succession of flops, Alexandra’s back to form with “Lemonade”, the kind of breezy, dubby summer ballad that Ace of Base would be making if they weren’t in nursing homes.
The chorus of “Lemonade” makes me want to bow to Alexandra Stan…so much so that I think the song should be retitled to “Kool-Aid.” It even has a dubstep-lite bridge, just to silence the kiddies.
Don’t even get me started on how much I love the clip in which SHE ACTUALLY MAKES LEMONADE (Do they not have metaphors in Eastern Europe?)
It appears the European domination continues for Alexandra the great. 4 stars.
Die Antwoord – Baby’s On Fire
Incest? The C word? Smoking weed out of pistol shaped bongs?
South African rap-ravers Die Antwoord are up to their usual batshit crazy antics in “Baby’s On Fire.”
However Die Antwoord aren’t just around to shock, they’re here to change the template of modern music. Divisive, fresh and conceptual, “Baby’s On Fire” sounds like Betty Boop rapping over the Mario Brothers soundtrack.
They’re not everyone’s cuppa but at least they’re trying to diversify beyond English Breakfast. 3.5 stars.
Katy Perry – Wide Awake
Everything tells me I should hate Katy Perry. She made a name for herself from one of the most ridiculous and shitty songs (and faux lesbian anthem) “I Kissed a Girl”, she is the pinnacle of produced pop tart and she Mastershits me six nights a week.
In saying that, Katy has relentlessly assaulted the charts over the past few years and her most recent single “Wide Awake” could give Katy seven US No.1s from the same album. So it is any good? Well, yes and no.
There’s no epic guitar riff of “Last Friday Night” or pop spark of “Firework”, but it does help Katy Perry’s likeability factor. Regardless of what one thinks of Perry, you can tell she has quite a bit to do with the whole song writing process, which is probably more appealing than her taste in fuckwit rockers. 3 stars.
With five releases in less than a decade, electronica gurus Hot Chip tend to deliver albums the same way Katherine Heigl delivers fucking awful romantic comedies – relentlessly. Despite this sizeable catalogue, quality hasn’t been remotely compromised and it had appeared that Hot Chip had reached a career peak with their fourth release, One Life Stand. As infectious as it was fluent, One Life Stand was a concept album that championed playfulness over pretentiousness.
Don’t be fooled by the heard-it-all-before feeling of the first official single “Night & Day” people, for it sounds nothing like the rest of the In Our Heads. It also stands alone as the disappointment of an otherwise near-flawless masterpiece.
Album opener “Motion Sickness” is a swaggering horn and percussion declaration to doubters that they best look elsewhere for disappointment – there’s nothing to see here. They back it up with the gloriously 80s duo of “How Do You Do?” and “Don’t Deny Your Heart,” the latter particularly shines.
Where Hot Chip really excel is on pseudo-single “Flutes.” Unconventional and chaotic yet utterly clever, it’s a challenging mind-fuck of modern dance. It’s also an exceptional piece of work and more exciting than anything else on radio right now.
It doesn’t stop there. At seven minutes and 41 seconds, “Let Me Be Him” is like a pass-the-parcel game where everybody wins, with one layer of lyrical and melodic excellence revealed after another. A mid-tempo tour de force, the “Oh-uh-ohs” of the chorus are stirring and epic – some of their best work to date.
Enthusiasts of One Life Standwill find plenty of reasons to be excited by In Our Heads, but Hot Chip’s experimentation and constant progression mean continuously welcoming new fans with open arms. Whatever’s in their heads, we’re lucky they’ve written it down on paper. 4.5 stars.
Key Tracks: Flutes, Motion Sickness, Let Me Be Him
Here we are people, The Final Four! Despite diverse theories about who should and shouldn’t be here, the choices are pretty expected (apart from Diana Rouvas.) I’ll spare you the 10 minute introduction that we were forced to endure last night (because six weeks is such a long time, we really needed the reminder of what has happened.)
Sarah De Bono – If I Didn’t Love You
I think part of the reason I want Sarah to win so much is that I genuinely believe her career would be the biggest of the four post show. Sure, Karise might have a better voice but Sarah has the whole package in the bag, whereas Karise just is a bag lady. Sarah is the cat’s pyjamas, Karise is just a crazy cat lady.
The performance was kind of disappointing to be honest. All the right elements were there but it fell flat, as did her high notes. Sarah needed an epic performance to beat Karise and this was definitely not it. Also no more wind machines please. It was demonic.
Karise Eden – I Was Your Girl
Karise‘s voice is something else. It is actually startling to think that she has this effect from singing a song that nobody has heard before. The bluesy ballad was about as exciting as a stationary order from Officeworks and she was clearly wearing some sort of technicolour muumuu, but nothing could distract from her sensational voice. At this point, she’s taking the title.
Rachael Leahcar – Smile
Delta is quite clever. She hasn’t stepped away from the formula once with Rachael, picking one conventional ballad after another. I think she did about as well as one could with that song, but the performance left me cold…Cold like Delta’s icy heart. Someone should tell host Darren that the standing ovation was probably due to her stopping singing. Also saying, “I couldn’t stop watching the videos” to a blind girl feels a bit awkward. It’s the blind auditions all over again people.
Darren Percival – Damage Down
Darren Percival is about as charismatic as head lice, but unlike head lice, there is no treatment for the unbearable banality of that song. There are actual blood and claw marks on my laptop keys due to having to listen to that. Darren actually has decent chops but a song like that reminds us that in six months he’ll be performing at weddings…as a waiter.
Two thoughts about the Lionel Richie interim.
1. Lionel Richie’s vocals were OUT OF CONTROL good.
2. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – Fuzzy is hopeless. She’s about as emotive and personable as…
Sarah De Bono – Beautiful
Much better. Sarah’s new track was easily the best of the four. She won’t win this thing, but she deserves to come second. She will most likely have a Ricki-Lee similar career, mainly about longevity than big this. But what was with the pink and purple make up job, mixed with her red hair? She looked like a prostitute sponsored by Starburst.
Karise Eden – Stay with Me Baby
OMFG. It is 100% Karise’s. It made sense she was dressed as an Academy Award, given she just won Best Female in this competition. That was the best rendition over the course of the show and someone finally give Diana Rouvas’ “Love on Top” a run for its money. Karise has proven herself to be the Australian Adele.
Rachael Leahcar – Shooting Star
Anything called “Shooting Star”, written by a blind girl, about DeltaGoodrem, was always going to be as cheesy as the entire Coon factory. A certain source, who shall remain nameless so he doesn’t receive hate crime mail said, “It should have been called ‘Don’t Stare At The Solar Eclipse’”. Rachael has done very well to get this far and I would say her position as Team Delta candidate is 100% justified, but if she wins this, I’m changing my name to Edward Drawde for the impending palindrome epidemic.
Darren Percival - For Once In My Life
Stevie Wonder? The only wonder is how the authorities haven’t found the bodies of all those women under Darren’s basement. You know you’re talented when the fans tweet about your performance, “Doesn’t Darren look great with his new haircut?” Christ. Some friends of mine and I gradually came to the conclusion that Darren Percival looks like a Madame Tessaude’s wax museum if someone left the heater on overnight.
The results are on tonight at 7:30pm! Can’t wait to see Karise who wins!
In essence, the article claims that through having the most followers (over 600,000), plus famous spouse Nicole Richie (three million) and an army of celebrities with countless more fans, Team Joel is going to celebrate a popularity victory with Sarah De Bono. Despite this, Team Seal’s Karise Eden is still the bookies favourite to win. So who’s going to take it home?
Rachael Leahcar (Team Delta)
Why: There’s the obvious backstory – just imagine if a blind girl won The Voice Australia? More importantly, Rachael has managed to justify her position in the Final Four, even beating out Delta’s fedora-wearing backup dancer. Sorry Glenn, we position of baby boomer finalist has been filled by Darren. Back to Rachael, while she hasn’t improved as much as other finalists, her audition of “La Vie En Rose” is to this day, one of the best performances in the competition.
Why Not: It’s now painfully obvious that she’s the weakest singer of the Final Four. While her audition may have been one of the most memorable, she hasn’t shown much improvement over the course of the competition. Even though Faustina couldn’t get a decent interview out of Malcolm X, it seems young Rachael doesn’t have the personality to handle the media. Then again, neither does Delta.
Best Performance: Edith Piaf – “La Vie En Rose”
Final Position: 4th.
Darren Percival (Team Keith)
Why: The guy can obviously sing and the public vote for him consistently. In fact, unless Sarah De Bono pulls off something magical, this looks like a Karise VS Darren showdown. He’s even managed to survive boring choice (“I Believe”) after boring choice (“Wherever I Lay My Hat”) after boring choice (“Shower The People”) after boring choice (“A Song For You”). Keith Urban may be good at holding Nicole’s purse but he’s shit at picking songs.
Why Not: I could construct an actual thesis on why Diana Rouvas should be standing there. This should have been an all-girl final and I’ll take it one further and say Diana was possibly the strongest in the competition. So let’s say Darren wins this thing. How many people are going to go out and by a debut album by a 40-something man. Lock up your daughters people….literally.
Best Performance: Stevie Wonder – “I Believe”
Final Position: 3rd
Why: This chick is a quadruple threat. She is a bloody talented singer, unintimidating to teenage girls, interview ready and she gives guys De Boners. Her blistering performances include “Listen” and “How Will I Know” but there’s not a shred of arrogance behind it. The social media trend will influence the voting (how much is to be determined) and if she can do her best performance at the finale, it’s in the bag for her.
Why Not: De Bono has a tendency to go under the radar. I can’t even remember her audition of “Price Tag” and “Here’s Where I Stand” was semi-underwhelming. Though voting has swayed in her favour previously, teenage girls HATE seeing pretty young females do well, but love seeing pretty young males do well (which is why Lakyn sang like an orca whale after getting harpooned, and lasted so long.)
Best Performance: Beyonce – “Listen” (but her Whitney came close!) Final Position: 2nd
Karise Eden (Team Seal)
Why: Karise Eden has reliably nailed it, week after week. The public seem to go berserk for her with both voting and song purchases and she looks set to have the kind of post-reality show career that doesn’t make people want to self-mutilate. From her audition of “It’s a Man’s Man’s World” to her “Hallelujah” emotional extravaganza, she’s become a likeable, marketable, Aussie chick next door – almost a sure thing.
Why Not: It’s hard to fault her. Last week she was dressed like The Corpse Bride and people were too busy loving her performance. Speaking of, the only thing you can be surer of than someone singing “Hallelujah” on a reality TV show is that Channel Nine are looking for replacement hosts and social media correspondents.
Best Performance: James Brown -“It’s a Man’s Man’s World” (a million views and counting!) Final Position: Winner
Over the past 25 years, Kylie Minogue has amassed millions of fans, sold 60 million records, won BRITs and a Grammy (kind are kind of like ARIAs and Logies except people actually give a shit) and turned gay man dancing sweat into millions of dollars. Not bad for someone who apparently “can’t sing”, has been turned on by the public like Milla Jovivich by rabid inside-out dogs in Resident Evil and starred in THIS!
You know that scene in The Dark Knight where Batman has to choose between Maggie Gyllanhaal and the District Attorney? That’s NOTHING on choosing your favourite Kylie Minogue singles if you’re a fan. You start wondering how Light Years (1998’s “Light Years”) was not released as a proper single, despite being, pardon the expression, light years ahead of Madonna’s Confessions on a Dancefloor? Don’t even get me started on The One (2008’s “X”), easily one of her best tracks that was given a shonky release. Don’t expect to see Where The Wild Roses Grow or Kids either, as they’re both duets.
To commemorate “K25: 25 Years of Kylie Minogue”, her performance at the Queen’s Jubilee and the release of her latest single Timebomb, here are Top 10 Kylie Minogue Singles.
10. I Should Be So Lucky (Kylie – 1987)
Everything Kylie Minogue did before the mid-90s has aged as gracefully as Bridget Bardot.
However, in the same way something can be so bad that it’s almost good again, I Should Be So Lucky has aged so badly it’s almost fresh again. With synthesisers that make her scrunchie look modern and lyrics that repeat like your lunch after seeing her outfits in this clip, the Stock, Aitken & Waterman hit is still genuinely fun 25 years after it topped the UK and Australian charts. For another example of backward ageing, check out Tears On My Pillow.
9. Breathe (Impossible Princess – 1998)
If you don’t listen carefully, the brilliance of Breathe is easily unheard. Much like the “Body Language” Chocolate or the “Kylie Minogue” Put Yourself In My Place, the track is Kylie at her minimalist best. Breathe was never going to top the charts – it wasn’t intended to – but it perfectly displayed the Impossible Princess-era alternative Kylie that briefly ruled Triple J, before her next album Light Years shot her out of the pop stratosphere. Not to mention her best album was also the one she had the most creative input into, “Don’t doubt me just because I am quiet, I’m thinking, thinking about it all.” The song should have been called Gasp, because that’s what I do like a little bitch every time it comes on my ipod.
8. All the Lovers (Aphrodite – 2011)
Everybody so desperately wanted All The Lovers to be Can’t Get You Outta My Head Again. A Modest hit in Britain, it was the perfect representation of the sound of “Aphrodite”. More I Believe in You than Can’t Get You Outta My Head, it effortlessly seduces with an electro-pop chorus as epic as the accompanying video. Apparently, all the lovers are sex-crazed, naked, tri-sexual orgy enthusiasts that have some sort of white supremacist underwear contract!
7. Love at First Sight (Fever – 2001)
You might have heard of “Fever.” It contained single after single of disco amazingness (In Your Eyes, Come Into My World anyone?) and was about as popular as one of Justin Bieber’s pubic hairs. In amongst the global Fever for Kylie, Love at First Sight was like a giant crack rock of addiction. Coming across like an entry-level Daft Punk, the song was thrashed on radio like a Matthew Newton ex. And the clip? It’s so amazing and Kylie looked so ridiculously sexy that even cargo pants became cool again, until Dannii was briefly spotted in them a few months later.
6. I Believe In You (Ultimate Kylie – 2004)
When an artist releases a best of, it’s usually some desperate ploy to sell more of the same shit or occasionally includes ‘new material’ that involves about as much creativity and effort as a wank. What does Kylie do? She adds two of the best songs of her career (Giving You Up is criminally undervalued and I’m question its absence in this list as I type.) Jake Shears’ other project, The Scissor Sisters, might have to pay for dinner using welfare cheques, but co-writing this might just be his legacy. A new wave electro-pop masterpiece, it is as simple as it is spectacular.
5. Some Kind of Bliss (Impossible Princess – 1997)
Some Kind of Bliss is famous for three reasons. It signalled the official arrival of more alternative Kylie, was co-written by the Manic Street Preachers and sold approximately three copies, give or take two. In fact, despite being a lead single, Kylie didn’t even include it on “Ultimate Kylie.” Kylie reportedly never wanted the track to be released as a lead single, but the label pushed her. Unfortunately, despite being Minogue’s most impressive album, “Impossible Princess” sold terribly but earned Kylie something that she’d never been paid: respect.
4. Confide In Me (Kylie Minogue – 1994)
Confide In Me scared the shit out of a lot of people. These people of course, had taste and had to deal with admitting that they liked a Kylie Minogue song, which was one step above admitting that your favourite weekend activity is playing spin the meth pipe. The opening string arrangement was dramatic and unsettling (as was Kylie’s makeup), the video was dark and arty and almost every Kylie enthusiast would say this is their standout moment.
3. Did It Again (Impossible Princess – 1997)
I could go on about the unforgettably bitchy lyrics, the ahead of its time usage of Indian sitar in the chorus or its appearance in Triple J’s Hottest 100…but at the end of the day, it’s all about four Kylies, scratching, throwing chairs and kicking each other like skanks. And that’s all anyone ever really wants to see, isn’t it?
2. Can’t Get You Outta My Head (Fever – 2001)
I actually remember the first time I heard this track on radio. My reaction to the first five seconds were that the “la la la”s were ridiculous and that her career was over, by the end of it I thought it was one of the greatest pop songs of all time and my credibility was over. Sounding like a revamped Blue Monday (the mash-up is seriously amazing), the track went to Number One in approximately infinity countries, becoming the biggest song of her career and one of the Top 50 highest-selling physical singles of ALL TIME. It was also recently announced as the most played song in the UK since the year 2000. Unfortunately, the same popularity was not extended to white one-piece cat suits with hoodies, complete with slutty fabric tears and red lampshade wearing back-up dancers.
1. Slow (Body Language – 2003)
Controversial choice but hear me out! There’s always been two Kylies in her career. The global disco superstar (“Light Years”, “Fever”, everything before 1995) and credible Kylie that couldn’t sell an African baby to Madonna (“Impossible Princess”, “Kylie Minogue.”) Slow, and in a way “Body Language”, was the happiest of mediums. Crazy cool but shit hot, Slow is hands-down the coolest track Kylie has ever, and will ever create. It hit Number One in Australia and UK and more importantly, caused a 3 minute and 56 second erection pandemic around the world – See below.
Anyway, the whole purpose of this is to celebrate her latest release, Timebomb, featured below:
Great to see that the public (teens) are voting with their ears, not their pink bits – another win from the voting being done by iTunes downloads. Sarah up to this point has been the standout of the whole competition. No matter which way the public vote swayed, she was going through tonight. Ben and Prinnie both had a great chance, but Ben has been more consistent. More importantly, we FINALLY said goodbye to Lakyn! Let’s all take a sip of the cool aid and forget this horrible, horrible experience ever happened.
Top 8: Team Keith
The public save: Darren Percival.
Keith keeps: Diana Rouvas!
Keith was obviously going to pick Diana Rouvas and the public Darren Percival. The same crystal ball predicts that Faustina will go her entire life without asking an interesting question to anyone, ever. Great to see that there’s only one fuck up in the entire Top Eight – Glenn Cunningham.
Fatai V – On The Radio
Who the fuck is this girl to pull that off at 16 years old? When I was 16, I had barely earned my pen licence, and she performs like that on national television? It did feel a bit weird hearing someone sing Donna Summer that was not even a foetus when she was last on radio. Will it be enough to save her? Backstage another graceful interview by Faustina, pictured below:
Glenn Cunningham – Heaven
I thought Glenn’s performance wasn’t actually that bad, but the idea of that man wearing a fedora and Heaven couldn’t be further from each other. Yes, Glenn has talent, but why has it taken umpteen weeks to find that out?
Sarah De Bono – Here’s Where I Stand
This is from a movie musical I have watched at least a dozen times, called Camp. After re-reading that sentence again, I think I just figured where I stand, as bloody camp myself! Sarah did her thing, which was the performance of the night until you-know-who comes up next.
Did anyone see that ad for “the lucky contestant” who was off to Kenya after Sarah’s performance? I’m sorry, but that reminded me of the movie The Island, where lucky punters are “off for a holiday” aka harvesting their organs for celebrities. Maybe Delta eats tween flesh to stay young?
Diana Rouvas – Stormy Monday Blues
I will throw it out there that her performance is the best of any Australian reality TV show in history. In god knows how many seasons of Idol and three seasons of X-Factor, this is it. Please watch below!
A blind girl singing for her dead grandmother in a foreign language. I’ll leave that alone but obviously Delta‘s gonna eat that shit up like Fruit Loops. I’m going to have to continue to defend Rachael. I think she cops a lot of shit for a multitude of reasons. People call her pseudo-blind, Delta 2.0 and worse, but the girl can “sang” as Seal so horrifyingly calls it.
Ben Hazlewood – My Kind of Love
I kind of don’t get the music choices tonight. Fatai, Glenn, Diana and Rachael sings tracks as old as the craters in Seal’s face, Sarah De Bono sings a song from a little known musical and Ben tackles Emeli Sande, who while big in the UK, is about as popular in Australia as Lindy Chamberlain. I would still do things to Ben that would make his mother scream, “A ranga’s got my baby!”
Darren Percival – A Song For You
Darren is undoubtedly talented, I can HEAR him sing. But something really irks me about him. It could be that he looks like the sort of man who you’d have to alert authorities about if he lived too close to an all-girls school, it could be the dancing that makes gingivitis look sexy but it’s probably more likely that i don’t want him in the final four over Diana.
Karise Eden – Hallelujah
Having seen infinite versions of this song on reality TV syndications, my groans could be heard Australia wide before it started. Fortunately, Karise absolutely nailed that performance. Her growly vocals are incredible. I just wish her stylist rethought that outfit – It was a bit The Woman In Black. Speaking of outfits, Seal should be ashamed of himself. There’s only one excuse for wearing a turtle neck – it’s 1991. And no, your last hit being in 1991 doesn’t count. Anyway, here’s Karise’s bone chilling win.
Back to MORE results, the Final Four are about to be announced! Before that, it needs to be said that the eight tonight showed more talent than any other season of singing comps. All eight were, at the worst, pretty darn good. At their best, Diana and Karise, were astonishing.
Team Delta: Rachael Leahcar VS Glenn Cunningham.
Winner: Rachael Leahcar.
Who Should Have: Rachael.
Team Joel: Ben Hazlewood VS Sarah De Bono.
Winner: Sarah De Bono.
Who Should Have: Close call, but Sarah.
Team Keith: Darren Percival VS Diana Rouvas
Winner: Darren Percival
Who Should Have: Diana Rouvas. He was picked because Darren has been more popular with votes and Keith wants to win.
Team Seal: Karise Eden VS Fatai V.
Winner: Karise Eden.
Who Should Have: Karise Eden. In saying that, Fatai could have beaten Rachael and possibly Sarah and Darren.
Poor Fatai, getting kicked off is one thing, but having to have conversation with Faustina? She looked enthralled.
It’s starting to get pretty exciting. The prospect of a Top Eight potentially means eight great singers and no filler. For those who missed last week’s performances, here’s a recap:
The public choose Rachael Leahcar. She was the best of Team Delta and realistically the only potential to win from this group. 100% for the Top Four.
Delta had a difficult choice with the remaining three. Viktoria Bolonina is the most exciting act but butchered Nirvana last week. Danni Da Ros has had moments of brilliance but doesn’t have anything remarkable about her and although he was brilliant last week, Glenn Cunningham is unmemorable. Then again, Viktoria and Danni didn’t used to be back up dancers for Delta. SHAM.
Top 8: Team Seal
The public save Karise Eden. She wasn’t at peak performance last week but after so many solid ones in the past, it was easy to see why she went through.
Seal’s decision was a no brainer, but that didn’t stop him talking for approximately a thousand years. Fatai’s performance last week was the best of the whole series!
Now, to the bitching…I mean singing!
Prinnie Stevens – Forever
I have to hand it to Prinnie. She’s 31 years old, managed to don every regrettable fashion trend of the last thirty years and dance like a meth addict protecting her stash (what was with all the shoving?!) and she STILL managed to slightly rock it! The vocals didn’t break new ground but showed the most control she’s had thus far. Well chosen, Joel.
Diana Rouvas – I Can’t Make You Love Me
I don’t understand why reality show contestants keep singing this song (their choice or not). Even though Diana‘s vocals are absolutely flawless, that song is so boring it could replace chloroform and roofie caladas as the number one choice for rapists on their victims. I think Diana has been sabotaged and will not be in the Top Four. Shame, but you’d need a Ouija board to connect with personality of that song.
Lakyn Heperi – Friday I’m In Love
I’ve called Lakyn everything from Sean Penn in I Am Sam, to Timmy from South Park, to singing “99 Bottles” on the special bus, but credit where credit’s due (and i mean to Joel), he managed to pick a song that Lakyn didn’t massacre tonight. I still want him to win about as much as I want a hand job from Edward Scissorhands, but at least if that’s the last time I have to hear him – it wasn’t too bad. Joel seems to be the Voice of reason in this show, so maybe he can tell the executives that Fuzzy has as much personality as a shoe horn and to get rid of her.
Brittany Cairns – Straight Lines
I kind of don’t get the Brittany thing. If you ask me, the only Straight Line in her career is to head to Centrelink after the voting next week.
Adam Martin – Romeo & Juliet
Adam nailed Lonely Boy last week and continues his hot streak yet again. I get the impression that he isn’t impersonating anyone, which is so refreshing on a show like this. He’s basically everything that Lakyn wants to be and isn’t. It takes a lot of balls to sing Romeo & Juliet on national television.
Darren’s voice is exceptional, there’s no doubt about it. While watching him did kind of remind me of a drunk uncle singing at a wedding, it’s hard to fault the guy. WHAT was going on with the “dancing” on display by the judges? Reminded me of something…
Ben Hazlewood – I’m With You
Ben Hazlewood absolutely nailed it last week with Lego House and let’s face it, the bloke is beyond good looking. Despite the back story of his brother’s depression, Ben fell pretty flat last week. He didn’t seem very upset about it when he got home though…not that I would know.
