Popportunity

Over the past 25 years, Kylie Minogue has amassed millions of fans, sold 60 million records, won BRITs and a Grammy (kind are kind of like ARIAs and Logies except people actually give a shit) and turned gay man dancing sweat into millions of dollars. Not bad for someone who apparently “can’t sing”, has been turned on by the public like Milla Jovivich by rabid inside-out dogs in Resident Evil and starred in THIS!

AND THIS

You know that scene in The Dark Knight where Batman has to choose between Maggie Gyllanhaal and the District Attorney? That’s NOTHING on choosing your favourite Kylie Minogue singles if you’re a fan. You start wondering how Light Years (1998’s “Light Years”) was not released as a proper single, despite being, pardon the expression, light years ahead of Madonna’s Confessions on a Dancefloor? Don’t even get me started on The One (2008’s “X”), easily one of her best tracks that was given a shonky release. Don’t expect to see Where The Wild Roses Grow or Kids either, as they’re both duets.

To commemorate “K25: 25 Years of Kylie Minogue”, her performance at the Queen’s Jubilee and the release of her latest single Timebomb, here are Top 10 Kylie Minogue Singles.

10. I Should Be So Lucky (Kylie – 1987)

Everything Kylie Minogue did before the mid-90s has aged as gracefully as Bridget Bardot.

However, in the same way something can be so bad that it’s almost good again, I Should Be So Lucky has aged so badly it’s almost fresh again. With synthesisers that make her scrunchie look modern and lyrics that repeat like your lunch after seeing her outfits in this clip, the Stock, Aitken & Waterman hit is still genuinely fun 25 years after it topped the UK and Australian charts. For another example of backward ageing, check out Tears On My Pillow.

9. Breathe (Impossible Princess – 1998)

If you don’t listen carefully, the brilliance of Breathe is easily unheard. Much like the “Body Language” Chocolate or the “Kylie Minogue” Put Yourself In My Place, the track is Kylie at her minimalist best.  Breathe was never going to top the charts – it wasn’t intended to – but it perfectly displayed the Impossible Princess-era alternative Kylie that briefly ruled Triple J, before her next album Light Years shot her out of the pop stratosphere. Not to mention her best album was also the one she had the most creative input into, “Don’t doubt me just because I am quiet, I’m thinking, thinking about it all.” The song should have been called Gasp, because that’s what I do like a little bitch every time it comes on my ipod.

8. All the Lovers (Aphrodite – 2011)

Everybody so desperately wanted All The Lovers to be Can’t Get You Outta My Head Again. A Modest hit in Britain, it was the perfect representation of the sound of “Aphrodite”. More I Believe in You than Can’t Get You Outta My Head, it effortlessly seduces with an electro-pop chorus as epic as the accompanying video. Apparently, all the lovers are sex-crazed, naked, tri-sexual orgy enthusiasts that have some sort of white supremacist underwear contract!

7. Love at First Sight (Fever – 2001)

You might have heard of “Fever.” It contained single after single of disco amazingness (In Your Eyes, Come Into My World anyone?) and was about as popular as one of Justin Bieber’s pubic hairs. In amongst the global Fever for Kylie, Love at First Sight was like a giant crack rock of addiction. Coming across like an entry-level Daft Punk, the song was thrashed on radio like a Matthew Newton ex. And the clip? It’s so amazing and Kylie looked so ridiculously sexy that even cargo pants became cool again, until Dannii was briefly spotted in them a few months later.

6. I Believe In You (Ultimate Kylie – 2004)

When an artist releases a best of, it’s usually some desperate ploy to sell more of the same shit or occasionally includes ‘new material’ that involves about as much creativity and effort as a wank.  What does Kylie do? She adds two of the best songs of her career (Giving You Up is criminally undervalued and I’m question its absence in this list as I type.) Jake Shears’ other project, The Scissor Sisters, might have to pay for dinner using welfare cheques, but co-writing this might just be his legacy. A new wave electro-pop masterpiece, it is as simple as it is spectacular.

5. Some Kind of Bliss (Impossible Princess – 1997)

Some Kind of Bliss is famous for three reasons. It signalled the official arrival of more alternative Kylie, was co-written by the Manic Street Preachers and sold approximately three copies, give or take two. In fact, despite being a lead single, Kylie didn’t even include it on “Ultimate Kylie.” Kylie reportedly never wanted the track to be released as a lead single, but the label pushed her. Unfortunately, despite being Minogue’s most impressive album, “Impossible Princess” sold terribly but earned Kylie something that she’d never been paid: respect.

4. Confide In Me (Kylie Minogue – 1994)

Confide In Me scared the shit out of a lot of people. These people of course, had taste and had to deal with admitting that they liked a Kylie Minogue song, which was one step above admitting that your favourite weekend activity is playing spin the meth pipe. The opening string arrangement was dramatic and unsettling (as was Kylie’s makeup), the video was dark and arty and almost every Kylie enthusiast would say this is their standout moment.

3. Did It Again (Impossible Princess – 1997)

I could go on about the unforgettably bitchy lyrics, the ahead of its time usage of Indian sitar in the chorus or its appearance in Triple J’s Hottest 100…but at the end of the day, it’s all about four Kylies, scratching, throwing chairs and kicking each other like skanks. And that’s all anyone ever really wants to see, isn’t it?

2. Can’t Get You Outta My Head (Fever – 2001)

I actually remember the first time I heard this track on radio. My reaction to the first five seconds were that the “la la la”s were ridiculous and that her career was over, by the end of it I thought it was one of the greatest pop songs of all time and my credibility was over. Sounding like a revamped Blue Monday (the mash-up is seriously amazing), the track went to Number One in approximately infinity countries, becoming the biggest song of her career and one of the Top 50 highest-selling physical singles of ALL TIME. It was also recently announced as the most played song in the UK since the year 2000. Unfortunately, the same popularity was not extended to white one-piece cat suits with hoodies, complete with slutty fabric tears and red lampshade wearing back-up dancers.

1. Slow (Body Language – 2003)

Controversial choice but hear me out! There’s always been two Kylies in her career. The global disco superstar (“Light Years”, “Fever”, everything before 1995) and credible Kylie that couldn’t sell an African baby to Madonna (“Impossible Princess”, “Kylie Minogue.”) Slow, and in a way “Body Language”, was the happiest of mediums. Crazy cool but shit hot, Slow is hands-down the coolest track Kylie has ever, and will ever create. It hit Number One in Australia and UK and more importantly, caused a 3 minute and 56 second erection pandemic around the world – See below.

Anyway, the whole purpose of this is to celebrate her latest release, Timebomb, featured below: